faded

Tuesday, August 26, 10pm

fuck ! for the first time in a very long time, i realize that i’m excruciatingly pathetic ! why the hell did I let this shit stay in my head for so long ? talking to myself, guessing to myself, restricting myself, hurting myself. what am I trying to achieve from all this ? I don’t fucking care anymore ! stop screwing myself over ! this music better soothe me or i’m going to god damn explode ! oh jesus christ !

Wednesday, August 27, 9pm

Finally home. Walking in the rain without umbrella has never been so refreshing. My whole body aches from the Squash game yesterday, so the cold rain drops are like tears from heaven, they caress my skin, my soul. I love being mad like this, I really do. I can really concentrate on working in the office. And I’ve been smiling and singing all day. Whatever it might come, whatever happened, I’ll just comeback to the “me” that I was before. Talked with my professor today, about my thesis committee (the groups of professors who will advise me during my Ph.D thesis defense in 2011), about the paper I’m writing and trying to publish (she said I did a good job on the draft version), somehow I feel a lot more confidence. Life can be odd sometime, don’t you think ? You lose something, and you gain something else. Which one is more important is still unknown at this point, but I feel that it gives me motivation. I am still pathetic, am I not ? The side effect though, is that I seem to hate coming back to this apartment, facing myself. Only sukoshi, only a little bit. And fuck “good luck”. So trite. I was angry, and I still am. Don’t expect that from me. Go to hell with whatever you are doing…

Tomorrow, Squash again. Let’s see how much I can stress my god damn body. I’m 24, and need to grow up, be a man who I should have been since the day I left Vietnam 6 years ago. Financially independent is no longer enough.

夢だけが　消えていくの: [1] [2] [3]

11:36 pm

About bed time, need to get up early tomorrow. It’s still raining hard outside, hitting the side of my air-conditioner, making that tik tak sound. The drops fall quickly, without hesitation, without knowing where they are from (the cloud), and where they will end up (the street). The street light is there for other people to see them, but to the rain drops, the light does not exist. They continue to fall, without worrying whether other people see them or not. They were not calculative, that’s what I like about them. [photo 1 | photo 2]

Thursday, August 28, 2am

Mom asked me to phone home. Try to think of her number. Another number came up. Oh god. I need to erase this bit of memory too ? Why am I the ONLY one who could not ? Need I have sex with someone right now ?

An ambulance siren can be heard from the quite street. It’s very late. Someone, somewhere, was hurt.

Friday, August 29, 10am

Decided to go to Daughtry concert [download 1 of their songs] with James and Christine tonight. They just got the ticket for me. It will be an awesome ROCK night. It comes at the right time, since I’ve been wanting to destroy things for the whole week. Fuck this life, and everyone in it.

Sunday, August 31, 11am

Don’t try to guess who I am aiming my tirade at. You can’t. And you know what’s sad, what’s fucked up ? That person wouldn’t know either. The good thing about having built a blog here instead of one at Yahoo 360 is that apart from designing it myself, I know who cares about me, those that visit. There are many types of acquaintances in life. Most of them will be business-like. The ones you say hi, how are you, everytime you meet, but really do not give a damn about. There is nothing wrong about them, people become so mobile (I’ve lived in 5 different cities, 2 countries, and 2 continents for the last 10 years) that knowing new people is obvious. But at the end of the day, when I get stuck, when my life is down, when I need help, there is only a small group of people that I can rely on. Here I made a mistake: I cared. I put the wrong person in the wrong group. For the other person, whether it is a good connection, good for bussiness, someone to make use of emotionally or otherwise, I don’t know, but for me, it is a fucking damn big illusion that I need to get rid of.

12:30am

Saw this dialogue:

Why didn’t you look at me then ?
You would have seen me before you saw him.
If you saw me before you saw him,
I would have been there for you.

What an excuse !
We weren’t even that close.
Why should you like me ?
And why should I like you ?
We weren’t even that close.
We really didn’t do anything.
Nothing.

Nothing.

Of course, right now I’m not lying down mourning like that. But I can really understand his feeling at this moment. I really really really really do. And my hand right now looks like his too.

Wednesday, September 03, 11pm

It is finally September. School time. Remember in secondary school, high school ? Fun stops, the competition begins. I still do. September is also the month of birth for a couple of very important people in my life. After all this happened, I felt like I’ve neglected them, taken them for granted. And I will pretend October no longer exist.

Monday, September 08, 00:20am

It’s 11:20am in Vietnam right now.  xxxSpy (a program to detect YIM nick that is invisible) just showed me a familiar name, the only one that used to see my nick available, the one that I asked to let me see available.

This post is getting too long. I’m not yet moved on, but no longer hurt as much. Plan has been set for me to follow. There is not much else I can do, or say, to change the situation. As far as this blog is concerned, this “story” is done. This post should no longer be updated.